I don't tend to write much here. I don't really feel like I have a lot to say in general. But I find that I genuinely enjoy reading the thoughts and feelings so freely and generously shared by other bloggers (Err. I really hate the term 'blogger'). I'm kind of in the mood to be a little more like that myself today, so....
A lot of people have been mentioning having 'winter blues' lately. I'm kind of feeling that today myself, except I don't think it's really a winter thing - more of a 'day off' thing. I tend to really look forward to having free days off, with my options open as to what I choose to do with my time. The problem is, when those days happen, I end up feeling kind of lost and lazy. Today is one of those days. There are too many things I kind of WANT to do, many things I feel that I SHOULD do, nothing I really HAVE to do, and I'm ending up doing nothing at all. This all ends up sending me spiralling downward into feeling bad about myself (I think my biggest self criticism is my lack of discipline). I also, by default, end up on the internet, looking at blogs of people who seem to have perfect productive neat tidy beautiful lives (or 'blog lives' at least - obviously there is more to a life than what ends up on a blog). Sometimes these blog lives are really inspiring and motivating, but sometimes they can contribute to this tendency of mine to just get overwhelmed and avoid trying to make any progress at all.
I wandered in the backyard for a few minutes... took some pictures. It is really bleak out there right now: half melted snow, grey sky, everything looks dead. Sometimes winter can be so incredibly beautiful, but it doesn't seem that way today. Maybe because it is warm and melty and almost feels like Spring is coming but I know it really isn't.
I think I'll take a little walk now. Maybe the fresh air will clear my head and I can get something done when I get back.
I know what you're feeling. I mean, I don't know know, because I'm not you, but I'm having the same sort of day. Since I don't work on Fridays you would think that I would have a lot of "free" time to do stuff, to be productive, to make something I can sell. Instead I've accomplished absolutely nothing more today than picking up some groceries. There's a sense of panic too, because I could really use the extra money, but instead I'm dancing around my apartment and bleaching tights and walking around the Dufferin Mall (looking at things I shouldn't buy... thanks, H&M).
ReplyDeleteYou're too hard on yourself, though. Sometimes you get "lazy" because you have to, because you've had a busy week and you're exhausted. I hope the walk did you good.
You guys just described how I feel about grad school: all four months of the semester, all four weeks of break, rinse repeat. It seems sort of unfair, but also kind of awesome, that sometimes self-discipline means making yourself take a real holiday, or vacation, or day off, or whatever :)
ReplyDeleteum, i hear you.
ReplyDeletei am supposed to be working on three commissions in the studio right now. i am supposed to have gone grocery shopping because there is nothing to eat in our house besides a mummified avocado and cans of black beans. i didn't go shopping because i was *supposed* to be painting. the day is half done and i'm STILL on the internets, doing nothing much at all, and loathing myself for having neither painted nor shopped.
self discipline can be a biznatch.
but do have faith; you obviously have incredible talent (read: mineral paintings) and drive (you're all over the place online and have done a great job branding yourself), and so. Ease up on yourself and go for the walk, come home, make some tea, and put on some uplifting music and do ONE thing that will make the day seem productive. And there. I might just go the studio.
xo.
I have those same sort of days on my day off too. I think we are all so used to going and going all the time and being so productive, that it is hard to recognize when our mind + body just want to take a break. I often get upset about this, too, thinking i am lazy and such, but my boyfriend often points out that it OK to do nothing for a little while (even for a whole day!) and sometimes giving yourself a break is good.
ReplyDeletei don't know if I can really offer too much reassurance, but i think a little sunshine couldn't help sometimes either. enjoy your walk! glad you felt comfortable to share your words with all us strangers!
but you did do something worthwhile. you took this beautiful photo...and some days that should be all that we demand of ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI understand where you are coming from. I have noticed for myself that I spend to much time sometimes looking at other blog and I do too feel overwhelmed. When you are working, you wish you had more time to do stuff and when you are not working like me, well it takes discipline to get on a schedule and tell yourself do something because sometimes you don't feel like doing anything. But I said to myself, we are all humans. Everyday is a new day. Live and learn. I find that it is not easy to find the right balance in life. In June, I am expecting a baby girl and people tells me to enjoy my freedom for now as things will change.
ReplyDeleteIn a summary, you are not alone. Have a good day and a great weekend!
I felt like this for most of 2009. Too burned out to do anything. Breathe and reboot. I hope your weekend has helped!!
ReplyDeleteHi Carly, I found your blog through Anabela's. I've been lurking, admiring your artwork and photographs… Everything you just wrote rings so clearly for me too- about having free time to be doing things but doing nothing, about everyone's perfect and inspirational blogs only making me feel even worse about myself. Your work and your blog is really inspirational for me, though! And thank you for sharing your winter blues, I feel like I'm not the only one.
ReplyDeleteI just randomly ended up at your blog and love your paintings and really love your photos a lot. &I just wanted to say that wow, everything you described in this post I can relate to 100%. I go through the exact same thought process you do on probably half my days off. It feels like a vicious cycle that I don't know how to break.. Hope your next day off goes smoother. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one though.
ReplyDeleteP.S. At least your blog is up & running. Mine has 1 entry, ha.
You too seem to have a perfect, productive, neat, tidy, beautiful life, Carly. And here I am reading all about it on my day off :)
ReplyDelete